Even Buddhists get the Blues

It’s my belief that we Buddhists are quite a fortunate lot. We’re used to sitting (and sitting, and sitting, and sitting again) with our deep murky minds and examining our fears, desires, habits, tendencies and for lack of a better description “the dark side” (and conversely, “the light side”).

Don’t we sound lucky?

Maybe I’m romanticizing things here, but I think that all of this inquiry into suffering, bodily decay and all of the juicy stuff helps position us to know when we’re a bit off kilter and shaky. It helps when we know ourselves to better see when we are in need of some help.

For a while I’ve been off. Heavy stuff has been going on in my life and as usual I’ve practiced avoidance. Thankfully I haven’t gone towards old (and more destructive) patterns of escaping. My avoidance is much more gentle now, Like a comfortable old sweater, I pull on old episodes of Seinfeld. I try to fill my time with things that comfort me. I make myself busy. I read a lot of self-help books. I read so many books to allow me to become a self-certified expert on disease, death, palliative care, depression, anxiety, yoga, french verbs, competitive eating, climate change…anything to escape.No subject is off limits when it comes to helping me feel less antsy.

You get the picture.

I avoid my cushion because I don’t want to face what’s hurting.I avoid facing it head on off the cushion as well.

I put on the stiff upper lip and carry on.

The pain remains. The confusion stays.

I sometimes feel like a failed Buddhist at times for not being better at this life stuff. I mean, I’ve been practicing for years here. Shouldn’t I be better at getting this impermanence business? Shouldn’t I see how samsara pulls me in? Shouldn’t I be sitting more? Shouldn’t I be more - sigh- mindful about all of this?

Newman is my Mara. Come indulge in some fine laughtracks. I’ll make you feel OK for a little while.

And then a little light shines in. Awareness that these habits aren’t serving me very well.

I can’t say enough about the power of a good therapist. I wish I would have continued working with mine back when I first went to see her when I started to feel cracks in my foundation. Ah regret. You’re a fine emotion too. I feel you too old friend. Well, it’s time to live in the present. I’m back in therapy and doing the work. I’m trying to find that gentle spot between being too slack with myself and cuddling up with Kramer and a glass of merlot or running off to a retreat in snowy Vermont. I’m trying both as the Middle Way approach and putting my therapist’s suggestions into practice. More mindfulness and compassion practices. Taking time to breathe (how often I forget). Trying to release my grip on my ever-present need to have control over it all. Being with what is. Practicing. On and off the cushion. Facing my fears.

I think almost every time I write about a book on this blog, I say the familiar, “Isn’t is awesome when a book crosses your path at the exact moment that you needed it?” I’ve been reading two meaningful books lately which have really been helpful at this time.

The first is Mark Epstein’s “The Trauma of Everyday Life” and it is all that I needed to read and more. Transforming all of the sads that I’ve been feeling into something workable and positive gets a “Hell Yeah” fist pump out of me. The book gets into the often left out story of the loss of the Buddha’s mother and how this may have impacted his life.

The second book that I’ve only started reading now is Tara Brach’s “Radical Acceptance.” Friends. Why did you not recommend this book to me earlier? I am now a complete fangirl for her writing and it’s just what I needed to bury my head in.

It’s funny how when I hear about other Buddhist practitioners who have worked with their own challenges (like Epstein and Brach) and realize that I’ve fallen into the trap of thinking that they’re somehow immune to suffering or have become therapist-enlightened enough to not have experienced it or gotten over it. Similarly, when I read about teachers such as Pema Chodron or Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche confessing to having panic attacks, feeling overwhelmed or in essence - being human, I’m strangely comforted in knowing I’m not alone. If these rockstars have been confronted with stinking thinking - then I’m no different. Blessed equanimity!

And you’re not alone either. If you are a Buddhist with the blues, seek help if you need it. We need all the healthy bodhisattvas we can get out there doing the work.

Oh and coincidentally, I just read this article titled, “Emotional Health is the new Sexy” on Elephant Journal and wanted to share it with you.