In which I admit I was a giant asshole

I speak from the gut sometimes in a manner not befitting a lady. I think I get this from my father who could cuss with the best of them and I likely come from a long line of Irish cussers groomed for shouting down barfolk and hassling cattle.

see more ICHC After DarkTo

To the average person I’m a pretty chill cat. Slow to rile up and willing to let go of things quite easily. But this wasn’t always the case…Heck it still isn’t always the case.

In a recent book club session, I’m not sure how it came up, but I flippantly mentioned that I was a bigger asshole before I had come to know Buddhism.

This was met with shock. Utter and complete amazement. People gasped. Held their ears. Cradled their babies to their chests. Rocked forward and backwards murmuring ‘No NO no’.  I wasn’t sure what was the greater crime - the fact that I said ‘asshole’ in a Buddhist centre, the fact that I “Mild Mannered Mala-Clad McGinnity” said the word ‘asshole’ or the fact that I assigned this label to myself. After being asked to clarify my statement, it became clear that it was the latter. It seemed so shocking to the folks gathered round the table  that I would consider myself so negatively.

I was shocked that they hadn’t held the mirror so close to their faces and were unable to see that they too were perhaps assholes at one time or another.

Many of us know the story of how saddened the Dalai Lama was upon hearing that Westerners suffered from low self esteem and self hatred.  He couldn’t understand how people could put themselves through so much agony over a ‘self’ and it simultaneously broke his heart and flipped his bean to try to figure out where this was coming from and how it could be better understood.

Perhaps calling myself an asshole was a bit harsh, but there was no better way to describe it. I was. I was going through so much mental agony that I had no other way to release it but to spill it forward and get its stickiness all over everything I touched. I was not at my best so how could I expect my relationships to be solid. I was an asshole but an asshole with the potential for getting out of the mire and muck. It was through discovering Buddhism that I saw my basic goodness, as well as my basic assholeness. In getting back in whack and seeing the balance of both light and dark, I was able to get some kind of equilibrium and know that things could get better.

It’s a funny thing (at least in my experience of Buddhist circles) how there are some participants in discussion groups who are all about self-help and therapy and want to be healed by the group dynamic and are looking for a balm to soothe them. Others are there for the pure dharma and anything that deviates from the perception of what the pure dharma is needs to be sternly rejected.

This recovering asshole is preferring to sit back and attempt to view all without judgement. To me, that’s part of the real practice of Buddhism and where the toilet paper hits the behind.