I really dislike arguing. I have lived much of my life under the cloud of arguments. Arguments couched under the term of “debate”. Arguments that were touted as helping me to build backbone. Arguments simply arising out of boredom.
More often than not, I hate the fiery escalation of negative emotions that come along with the pastime of arguing. I’m more apt to walk away from an argument when I see little movement and try to clear my head, better formulate a response and try to cut the rising tension that leads me to often say things that I don’t mean or think I mean in the moment, but later wish I could take out into a boat and toss away like one of Dexter’s victims.
People hate this walking away approach.
Buddhism and anger are interesting as it’s often though that anger is just not part of our style. We see the images of wrathful deities or hear stories of students getting angrily thumped on the head by a flip flop and then achieving enlightenment, but it’s often thought that we are better than this. We are better people if we don’t let ourselves get angry.
I think it’s often how far we let the anger take us that makes the difference. No different from any other emotion really. I have taken love to the extreme of it being obsessive. I’ve held grudges. Hold up! I think I still have a few left in my Vulcan death grip.
What are your coping strategies for engaging in arguments? Any sage words of advice for someone who prefers to flee the scene of a showdown?
Wow, my favorite foible, anger. I certainly don’t see my advice as being sage, but what I have noticed is anger is usually a flip side of fear. I am the first to admit that I am still working on my response strategies and this doesn’t always work but generally when someone is losing it at me, I really try to go moment to moment , once one moment is passed, on to the next and really try hard to shut down the ”oh, he -she said this so next will be that” and imagine a logical conclusion to the argument. That really gets the wheels spinning. There really can’t be any logical conclusion when it is fear based, the fear is illogical therefore the reaction to it is as well. Arguments amp up and feed on themselves. Be the peace in every situation( easier said than done I know), It seldom has anything to do with what people around you do or think. My two cents,
Well I have to say my gateway in to practice was anger. Heck I have red hair, how about that for an anger stereotype. But I have worked a lot with anger and been fortunate enough to have the guidance of a skilled teacher to help me when I got confused.
Simply I know, anger arises. Not much can be done about this. But it is what we do with this arising. Do we spill it out. I have learned (the hard way) that it doesn’t work for me to speak in anger. I need to zip the lip and wait until the fires of anger subside otherwise the fallout is karma of my own making which later needs mopping up.
Now if I can practice this restraint and simply stay with the bodily sensation of anger, it burns off. Sometimes it takes a long time. But I have to say I always experience remorse when I am carried off by the anger and speak from that place. That is its own karma.
So arguments…. attachment to my own point of view mixed with a heavy dose of ego. Are they helpful in changing the opinion of the other. Not often I suspect. It reminds me of “you get a whole lot more flies with honey than vinegar.”