I’m taking adult learning classes in French these days and it is certainly a marked change from my days in university. The school itself is run down and has walls painted yellow which supposedly make you psychotic, and red which supposedly make you angry. Needless to say, my time in school ticks away like 3000 kalpas. No one particularly enjoys the class and several dramas have erupted which make my time there unbearable (open aggression towards others, lack of mutual respect… I could go on and on…).
We all have the vision in mind of our perfect teacher(s). The one that marked easy and passed us through high school Math (thank my Mrs. Edges). The one that attached a heartfelt note featuring a quote from Robert Frost’s poem “The Road not Taken” after reading a book report I wrote in sixth grade about a drug addicted, suicidal character. (thank you Mr. Peter). The one who pushed me to write more than I ever thought my little fourth grade hand and imagination could believe (thank you Mrs. Muir). No doubt this is the same with our Buddhist teachers. Serene. Wise. Disciplined. Egoless. We all have some idea of what we think validates the title ‘teacher’
In preparing for teaching my first meditation classes, I was scared poopless. I kept imagining all those eyes on me. Judging little eyes. Wondering what credentials I had to help them calm their minds. Who the heck am I to sit up her on my throne ahem - gomden and tell people that I’ve discovered the way to relieve samsaric attachments when I myself am off rubbing samsaric attachment all over me, drinking it in, stomping in the skandhas?
My mind was doing the majority of the judging of my self and my capacity to express wisdom and compassion.
Shhhhhhh….. That’s the sound of patience. The sound of generosity flowing towards myself and to those new students who are on shaky legs after sitting for what seems like 3000 kalpas in silence with themselves.
We are no different from each other. Teacher and student. We are both learning. We are both teaching.
*This post was inspired by Barbara O’Brien’s Buddhist Blog and the post “When Teachers aren’t Perfect”. There’s also some great discussion going on in the comments section that’s worth checking out.
Even though it’s a quote by Richard Bach, I still love it, “We teach best what we most need to learn.” We are just reminding each other to be a light unto ourselves, and to do that, we have to learn how to quiet down. Your service is such a valuable offering. I hope you share more about the experience of teaching meditation.