I’m in a small home study class on the Mahayana path and sometimes feel uncomfortable. No, it’s not caused by being overwhelmed at the density of the material (although that does have a tendency to happen). It’s caused by feeling like a keener.

I’ve always been a nerd in school. I love note taking, reading, studying, researching. LOVE IT. I had a mini-breakdown in elementary school when I failed my first subject (math is evil). This love for study has forever embedded itself into my being and comes out in the study class. I take notes, I listen. I prepare the answers required for discussion.

Then when it comes time for discussion, I bite my tongue to allow others the chance to read through the texts and give their perspectives on the study materials. It’s always a cautious balance I have with not wanting to be the annoying kid in class who keeps raising their hands going “Pick Me! Pick Me!”

It’s really not that I have the answers. Far from it. It’s just this Western heritage I’ve come from where you have your homework ready for teacher.

All of these feelings that I have are just projections that might not even reflect how I’m viewed amongst my sangha. They’re mine to work through. Maybe I need to experiment with a week of not doing my homewor and sit with the discomfort of not being prepared. (insert nervous Lisa Simpson laugh here)