I think in my case, I came to Buddhism out of feeling like I’ve already exhausted all of the escape mechanisms for fleeing from suffering. I knew that I couldn’t really continue feeling the panic, sadness, frustration, fear, jealousy and perpetuate anger against others and myself. Having a little taste of compassion for myself broke my heart when I knew I had to make some serious decisions.

The thought of freedom can be so frightening, but what’s life without risk. Why wait until it’s too late.

NOW!

For starters, I wrapped up level 5 of 7 levels of French courses that I’ve been taking for the past few months. I have somewhat of a basic knowledge of French having grown up in ‘Canada’s only bilingual province’ – New Brunswick. I had taken classes at a university but it was only on a weekly basis so nothing really stuck in my head for any length of time and I never felt like I was able to get a grasp on French grammar. I must say that being back in school daily has done wonders for my one-pointed concentration and am happy to say that I received a certificate today noting my ‘diligence’ in applying myself to the course work. Yay gold star!

Secondly, we’ve got a new mutt in our house and training him has been a bit stress inducing. We’re trying to remain patient with him while we work through his separation anxiety, but I can’t help but feel like I perpetually smell like dog pee. Quite often, in my moments of frustration, I look at this wise little furry bodhisattva who is showing me that I need to chill out, not get so upset and realize that all this will pass and his fears of being left alone will disappear like the scent of dog vomit on a carpet in the early morning breeze.

And other than that, I’m a serial blogger. I started a new blog where I’ll be spending some time over the next few weeks yanging on about the annual Fantasia International Film Festival. If you’re interested in cinema, Asian films, horror, anime or anything of that sort, then do check it out.

He’s stuck with my still wide-eyed self repeatedly gushing over the wonders of the acoustic gig with Joey Cape and Tony Sly this past weekend in Montreal. I’m still talking about it.

It was one of those shows that felt like you were surrounded by awesome folks and had the atmosphere of a campfire thanks to the acoustic vibe. I laughed throughout the onstage banter and sang along with every single lyric. Fangirl!

I’ve never seen a multi-tasker as skilled as Joey Cape. Witness as he performs flawlessly as he has his hair cut on stage.

And Tony Sly played one of my favourite songs ever towards the end of the night. A song so bone-crushingly sickly sweet that I was tearing up as I held hands with my husband. Sigh. Aging punk rock love just feels so good.

Fast forward to now and I’ve just delivered 2 introductory classes on meditation in the past few weeks.  I’ve been bringing awareness to my technique, my delivery and my thoughts while I’m speaking on the topic of meditation and trying to integrate being present and in the moment with each word that I speak, each question I answer and to cultivate the profound intention to be of help and service in assisting people in developing a meditation practice.

It feels very rewarding.

George- the new guy

Today involved a major show of dominance by the old guy who is a bit jealous and fearful in losing his belly rubs and spot on my lap. It was a pretty scary moment watching my older dog be so angry and bearing his teeth with the 6lb weakling who’s our new house guest.

Kind of got me to thinking how I’ve experienced jealous mind. That little feeling when I’m have the solid sense of not getting the attention “I” feel “I” deserve. No. I haven’t nipped at the objects of my jealous, possessive mind but rather have used words to lash out at them. It’s difficult to feel the emotion of jealousy as in my experience usually manifests in words where I’ve tried to talk down the successes or achievements of others.

I try to spend some time meditating on why I’m feeling jealous. Why do I have this poverty mentality? Why do I feel that I don’t have enough? Why do I feel like I’m not enough?

So I turn to the antidotes to jealousy and the corresponding pug sutras…

- Meditate on emptiness and the lack of solidity. Consider the true nature of reality- impermanence.  I can’t take all of these accumulated possessions with me. (Where is this self called pug? / Can I take these bones, squeaky toys and chewies with me? STAY AWAY FROM THEM LITTLE STINKY ADOPTED DOG..GRRR)

- Generate thoughts on the kindness of others. (I love when dad feeds me pizza crust)

- Develop a mind dwelling in equanimity. (All pugs want joy)

- Practice generosity (I’ll let the little pug pee on this first tree and take the next one)

- Feel joy in the good fortunes and qualities of others. (Good work tearing up up the owners shoes. Hope she isn’t too attached to them).

“… that ordinariness is extraordinary. That is the dichotomy: when you live life in a thoroughly ordinary way, it is extraordinary.”

“Aloneness and the Virtues of the Higher Realms,”
Great Eastern Sun: The Wisdom of Shambhala.

I came out of my previous relationship completely changed. I recognized so many habitual patterns had manifested and once my eyes were opened and I realized that I didn’t need to live in pain any longer but could work towards healing myself and living a better way. There was a cost. Hearts had to be broken. Attachments cut. Habits burned at the roots. No one was getting out unscathed and the blood was on my hands. Sometimes you need to walk into the fear, let go and you’ll be met with beauty and joy. Fearful mind kept me from taking this journey until it was long overdue.

Now on the anniversary of the most nurturing relationships I’ve been privileged to share, I’m preparing myself for heartbreak.

I’ll be attending Susan Piver’s workshop on “The Wisdom of a Broken Heart” and I’m wondering what it will evoke. Will it be like digging my fingernail into an old wound that I’ll forever be marked with? Will it make me hop a jet pack into the future where I know that I will someday taste my tears when I need to say goodbye to the smiling guy in the photo above with me?

All I have is now. The pain. The joy. The fear. The wisdom. Broken heart. Healed heart. The wisdom remains the same. Time to be fearless in facing it directly and with openness. With gentleness.

bestowing our pearls carelessly

no one yet had invented ownership

nor guilt   nor time
we watched the seasons pass, we were as crystalline as snow

and melted gently into newer forms

as stars spun round our heads

we had not yet learned betrayal
our selves were pearls

irritants transmuted into luster

and offered    carelessly

our pearls became more precious and our sexes static

mutability grew a shell, we devised different languages

new words for new concepts, we intvented alarm clocks

fences      loyalty

still. . . even now. . . making a feint at communion

infinite perceptions

I remember

we have all been brothers

and offer    carelessly